The other day Jalopnik, inspired by our list of the “10 Cars That Are Guaranteed To Get You Laid,” good naturedly [we choose to assume] generated their own list, “5 Cars ‘Guaranteed’ To Not Get You Laid.” The list itself was spot-on and scored considerable bonus points with us for including the Toyota Prius, but a few of the site’s commenters shared some slightly-less-than-glowing appraisals of our list. Admittedly, our [read: my] first instinct was to politely instruct the naysayers to lick our figurative balls - but at least one of them had stopped engaging in same-sex relations long enough to suggest a pretty decent idea: what about a list of cars that will get the common man laid? I mean sure, it’s a given the Bugatti Veyron will score you some tail, but what normal guy can afford one? So we decided to create a new list of cars [and two trucks] ranked by price from least [20k] to greatest [60k] that are guaranteed to get the Average Joe laid.
1. Dodge Ram 1500 ST
Prior to 1994, driving a Dodge Ram pick-up truck would’ve earned you an appreciative nod at Home Depot and not much else. After undergoing some significant cosmetic revision, however, the Dodge Ram emerged from the factory as a half-ton, big rig-inspired, “macho man” [here's to you, Randy Savage] pick-up truck. The unique chrome grill was a new accessory too, and made the new Dodge Ram 1500 immediately distinguishable from its other pick-up truck brethren. To break it down mathematically: ”muscle” plus “bling” is [greater than or] equal to “road head.”
| Dodge Ram 1500 ST | |
| Base Price | $23,050 |
| Engine | 3.7L V6 |
| Transmission | 6-sp manual |
| Power | 215 hp @ 5200 rpm |
| Torque | 235 hp @ 4000 rpm |
| 0-60 mph | 9.2 sec |
| Curb weight | 4550 lbs |
| EPA city/hwy fuel econ. | 16/19 mpg |
2. MAZDASPEED 3
At least one sports car magazine complained that the MAZDASPEED 3 had “too much horsepower” and was more of a performance machine than the average driver could handle. The writer apparently suffers from a crystal meth addiction. The MAZDASPEED 3 has annihilated its fiercest competitor on the track, the Volkswagen R32, while still managing to cost about 11 grand less. So after you smoke the punk in the Vee Dub next to you at the stoplight, wink at his girlfriend in the passengers seat and say, “Wie möchten Sie fick eine echte Mann, baby?” [Thank you Paul Bolksturg, FCHS class of 2000, for teaching me to swear in our 4th period Deutschunde].
| MAZDASPEED 3 | |
| Base Price | $23,310 |
| Engine | 2.3L turbo I-4 |
| Transmission | 6-sp manual |
| Power | 263 hp @ 5500 rpm |
| Torque | 280 lb-ft @ 3000 rpm |
| 0-60 mph | 5.9 sec |
| Curb weight | 3183 lbs |
| EPA city/hwy fuel econ | 18/26 mpg |
3. Ford Mustang GT
Look, it’s a Ford Mustang - it goes fast, makes lots of noise, and women have been familiarizing themselves with its surprisingly maneuverable seating arrangements for over 40 years. Every famous bad ass from Jim Morrison to Steve McQueen has driven one; believe us, the only feature that narrowly prevented the Ford Mustang from being the number 1 car that is guaranteed to get you laid was its price tag. So, in other words, “If you drive it, they will come”.
| Ford Mustang GT | |
| Base Price | $26,425 |
| Engine | 4.6L V8 |
| Transmission | 5-sp manual |
| Power | 300 hp @ 5750 rpm |
| Torque | 320 lb-ft @ 4500 rpm |
| 0-60 mph | 5.2 sec |
| Curb weight | 3356 lbs |
| EPA city/hwy fuel econ. | 17/25 mpg |
4. Pontiac G8 GT
As much as you might want one, sometimes a 2-door coupe just isn’t going to cut it space-wise. Enter: the Pontiac G8 GT; the 361-hp, rear wheel drive, 4-dr sedan voted most likely to be clocked doing 85mph on the interstate. Although billed as the poor man’s 5-series, we guarantee the women you attract in a Pontiac G8 GT will be a.) just as hot and b.) less maintenance than anything you’d get in a BMW.
| Pontiac G8 GT | |
| Base Price | $29,995 |
| Engine | 6.0L V8 |
| Transmission | 6-sp auto |
| Power | 361 hp @ 5300 rpm |
| Torque | 385 lb-ft @ 4400 rpm |
| 0-60 mph | 5.6 sec |
| Curb weight | 4021 lb |
| EPA city/hwy fuel econ | 15/24 mpg |
5. Chrysler 300 Touring RWD
Yeah yeah yeah, we know that whole “pimp your 300″ thing is played out, and we know that you’re probably going to vomit if you see another Chrysler 300 with a Phantom grill - but you know what? The gimmick works. The Chrysler 300 shares about the same wheelbase as the Phantom and depending on your trim package, can feature about the same luxuries too. Even a stock Chrysler 300 is still an impressive luxury sedan, but if you take the initiative to trick it out, we promise your efforts will not be in vain [for further reference, see: "music video girls"].
| Chrysler 300 Touring RWD | |
| Base Price | $31,265 |
| Engine | 3.5L V6 |
| Transmission | 4-sp auto |
| Power | 250 hp @ 6400 |
| Torque | 250 @ 3800 rpm |
| 0-60 mph | 6.3 sec |
| Curb weight | 3762 lbs |
| EPA city/hwy fuel econ. | 15/22 mpg |
6. Subaru Impreza WRX STi
The new Subaru Impreza WRX STi was specifically designed to be a Rally car and even helped Travis Pastrana’s team score a gold medal at X Games 12, earning it some considerable street cred. We’d like to clarify, however, that it’s only the hatchback Impreza WRX STi that made our list; the sedan version and its massive rear spoiler have a tendency to broadcast either “I’m Compensating For Something” or “I’m The Delivery Guy For My Parents’ Japanese Take-Out Joint.”
| Subaru Impreza WRX STi | |
| Base Price | $34,995 |
| Engine | 2.5L turbocharged BOXER |
| Transmission | 6-sp close-ratio manual |
| Power | 305 hp @ 6000 rpm |
| Torque | 290 lb-ft @ 4400 rpm |
| 0-60 mph | 4.4 sec |
| Curb weight | 3395 lbs |
| EPA city/hwy fuel econ. | 17/23 mpg |
7. Dodge Charger SRT8
Taking the Pontiac G8 GT “performance sedan” theme and running with it, the Dodge Charger SRT8 boasts an incredible 425 hp [yeah, you read that correctly] and clocks a pretty impressive 5 second 0-60 mph acceleration average. Despite its power, diehards have been pretty reluctant to admit the Dodge Charger SRT8 into the muscle car fold due to its technical classification as a 4-door sedan…though we say: more cushion for the pushin’.
| Dodge Charger SRT8 | |
| Base Price | $37, 215 |
| Engine | 6.1L V8 |
| Transmission | 5-sp auto |
| Power | 425 hp @ 6200 rpm |
| Torque | 420 lb-ft @ 4800 rpm |
| 0-60 mph | 5.0 sec |
| Curb weight | 4160 lbs |
| EPA city/hwy fuel econ | 13/18 mpg |
8. Hyundai Genesis 4.6
Engineered by Hyundai to be an ambiguous luxury sedan, the Hyundai Genesis is about the same size as a BMW 7-series and if you squint a little in the right light, could pass from the front as a Mercedes S-class. Not to be taken lightly, the Hyundai Genesis 4.6 further ups the ante with heated front seats and a large, full-color navigation system. Just as a friendly word of warning: don’t be surprised if you tend to attract a subtler type of girl, ladies who’ll be drawn to the Genesis 4.6 will probably be those of the lady-in-the-streets-but-a-freak-in-sheets variety.
| Hyundai Genesis 4.6 | |
| Base Price | $37,250 |
| Engine | 4.6L V8 |
| Transmission | 6-sp auto |
| Power | 375 hp @ 6500 rpm |
| Torque | 333 lb-ft @ 3500 rpm |
| 0-60 mph | 5.5 sec |
| Curb weight | 4012 lbs |
| EPA city/hwy fuel econ. | 17/25 mpg |
9. HUMMER H2
Now “here” us out - we know the HUMMER H2 gets a lot of grief for being a gas guzzler, but it’s a Class 3 truck, it wasn’t intended to be marketed as a “daily driver” [or even worse, a "grocery getter"]. The HUMMER H3 has toned the “wild boy” feel down a little bit and is roughly equivalent to a Ford Explorer, but it’s not the HUMMER H3 that made our list, it’s the H2. The HUMMER H2 is masculinity personified, and regardless of the stereotype, if you drive a HUMMER H2, unless you did something incredibly asinine like throw some 22’s on the tires or TV screens in the headrests, you’ll get enough phone numbers to justify the need for your own directory assistance [but again, please allow us to reiterate: if the only off-road time your H2 ever sees is when you clip the curb taking a turn a little too wide, or if it has any type of accessory regularly featured on "Pimp My Ride", you will be LAUGHED at, not laid - trust us].
| HUMMER H2 | |
| Base Price | $57,590 |
| Engine | 6.2L Vortec V8 |
| Transmission | 6-sp hydra matic auto. |
| Power | 393 hp @ 5700 rpm |
| Torque | 415 lb-ft @ 4300 rpm |
| 0-60 mph | 7.1 sec |
| Curb weight | 6614 lbs |
| EPA city/hwy fuel econ. | 13/18 mpg [est] |
10. Ford Crown Victoria/Police Interceptor
Everybody knows at least one guy who has bought an unmarked Crown Vic from a police auction, and everybody has listened to him tell the stories about people shitting bricks when he gets behind them on the interstate. The fact is, plain white, blue, or black Ford Crown Vics are to police what Cadillac Seville’s are to pimps: standard operating equipment. Another fact is: women love men in uniform. So if you’re a cop, you’re in luck, you could drive a Yugo and still get more ass then you’d know what to do with. If you’re not a cop, however, you can still ride the coattails of the sex-craze by picking up your own Ford Crown Victoria. Unfortunately, you’ll have to buy your ride used, since Ford removed the Crown Victoria from the commercial market in 2008, making it only available for fleet sales. [Note: We are not suggesting that you impersonate a police officer. Don't be a dumbass.]
| Ford Crown Victoria | |
| Base Price | N/A |
| Engine | 4.6L V8 |
| Transmission | 4-sp auto |
| Power | 250 hp @ 5000 rpm |
| Torque | 297 lb-ft @ 4000 rpm |
| 0-60 mph | 7.8 sec |
| Curb weight | 4158 lbs |
| EPA city/hwy fuel econ. | 14/21 mpg |
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